A Faith Returned

No More Runaway Trains to Ride

For the past 21 years I have run my life in chaos. I am an extreme happy-go-lucky being. I decide right on the spot without thinking thoroughly of the consequences or just believing that I know and understand the consequences when in fact I don't. I had my mind on the "now" and never thought of "tomorrow". But I guess know how to be solely responsible for my misbehaviors. I guess I can be disciplined enough in the aspect of cleaning up after my own mess.

I looked back upon my years and noticed one thing I had in myself that I should not have, I doubted myself. I keep on counting myself too short and tried to be happy with whatever my laziness could reach. I did not do my best and I certainly did not exert maximum effort. Series of events that happened to me-- and I've noticed that ALL OF IT boils down to the same lesson I am supposed to learn, and it was obvious but refused to accept. I was stubborn and believed my ways, beacuse I thought I believed in myself. Now I just see that I believed in my weakness. I believed in my pride. I believed in the frail part of me, I was too scared to let myself be broken that I pacified too much on that weak part of me that I never allowed myself to fight for what I deserved. I was wasting my life away.

I guess I have left God with no choice but to pull out his Ace of Cards to make me realize I was doing everything the wrong way. It was in a form as a result of my own selfish deeds. It is life changing for I will never be the same again and I will never allow myself to be that way again. It is the greatest responsibility known to all mankind that I never even imagined myself handling so soon. And yes, I have learned. I learned the hard way and oh was it painful. That was one good knock on the head that brought me back to my senses...or have brought me to a new sense.

I have had enough of escaping and certainly had enough of pretending (to be strong). It's about time that I should really be strong. No more running away, and no more excuses.

I've experienced and learned far more than the people of the same age group I belong to. And sometimes far more than the people who are supposed to be ahead of me. I must not think less of myself anymore, I am far more blessed with riches that can never be taken from me, and these are the experiences, knowledge and lessons I have learned. The friends that I have and the family I am supposed to care and fight for. I must stop doubting myself, God wouldn't have given me these challenges if I couldn't handle it. This is meant for me, which makes me stronger, and uniquely different from everybody else.

It's about time I get what I deserve, do what I know I can do and allow myself to be broken, scraped and eventually to be healed. More scars means thicker skin, less fragile. Stronger.

I am more than who I think I am...and God must've reminded me that.

Posted in: Faith,Hope,Life,Struggles